dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
