It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
