last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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