someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
