I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
