oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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