Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
