I never want to see another naked old woman again.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
