Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
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they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
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If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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