i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
