I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
