you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
