Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
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And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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