yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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