I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
