I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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