Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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