Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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