Swine flu is the new snow day.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
