I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
