I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
