Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If I die, sorry about rent.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
