Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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