I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
