News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
the liver wants what the liver wants
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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