Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
