she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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