Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
