Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
