At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
