Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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