He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
