This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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