Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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