WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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