she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
