You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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