mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
