My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
