Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
