What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
