Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
