Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
