You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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