i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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