If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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