remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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