so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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