You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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