just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
