her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
