my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
