she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
