I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
