I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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