but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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