Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
