I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
